At the start of each new year, instead of coming up with a New Year’s resolution, I come up with an overarching theme for the year. These themes are sacred. Without much effort, my life takes shape around the theme I set up for myself. It is not about accomplishing something specific that I must then strive to complete, but rather it is about orienting my year around deep and personal motivations and behaviors. It is about the way that I am posturing myself within my reality. The theme asks me to reevaluate where I am in life and if it matches where I want to be. Intuition takes the lead, and I always let it guide my theme. It is not something that can be forced but is something that rises from within me.
Last year my theme was about independence and stepping into adulthood. I moved into new home a few days before the start of 2019 and began to take ownership of my life. I had no idea how much I was going to learn and grow! Looking back, it is insane how rapidly I was forced to deal with difficult things and step into ownership of my own life. It was a year of finding my voice, meeting amazing new people, dealing with issues related to mental health, addiction, and the systemic struggles of homeless and poverty in my community, and becoming independent from the voices of my family that dictated and ruled my past. 2019 was a year of growing up and finding myself. It was a year of claiming my adulthood in all of its messy reality.
When 2020 hit, the theme that rose to my heart and mind was that of holistic health and leaning into the healthiest version of myself. This personally includes dealing with my relationship to sex, love, and intimacy, physical health and fitness, and cooking healthy meals throughout the week rather than relying on Taco Bell or snacks at the bakery where I work two days a week. Holistic health means living a life that is rooted in my truest and most authentic self, not changing or shifting for anyone else, and not allowing unhealth to continue unchecked around me. It is about being honest and open with myself and others. It is about speaking out for what I believe is right and good. It is about trusting myself and trusting my intuition and higher power to guide me. It is about taking care of myself and standing strong even if nobody else shows up…
And this is where it gets difficult, because holistic health in my own life also means leaving unhealthy systems, relationships, and people behind, and that is not easy. I am far from perfect and not yet where I want to be (thank God it is only February!), and I know that it will be a winding road to get there. But it will be worth it!
What makes change difficult is that people do not want us to change. They want us to stay the same and fill the expectations and roles they have placed us in. Systems work for a reason, and they do not want to be broken or disrupted by our own needs to grow. There is resistance. And it is not always external. Unhealth can feel easy and comfortable.
In my own world, I feel the resistance on all sides. People around me continue questioning my decisions, unclear about where I am heading and fearful of what that means for their role in my life. They aren’t trying to be mean or hold me back, but they do not understand. Change is threatening and vulnerable. I feel uncertainty spilling off their bodies and a desire for things to remain the same. I feel larger systems around me trying to lull me back into old patterns and spaces, asking more of me than I am able or willing to give. I continue to find myself at odds with where I am going and where I have been, feeling pulled in two opposing directions. The old is familiar and safe while the new is scary and unknown, yet the old is heavy and burdensome and the new has potential for so much beauty and personal freedom. All of these things feel overwhelming and daunting, but I have tasted what lies ahead of me and will continue to march onward into my own personal health and wholeness. That being said, I am scared and uncertain.
Some days this journey hurts like hell and I desperately want to crawl back into what feels comfortable. Some days I don’t want to be honest with myself or others. Some days I don’t want to walk away from people and places I know are not good for me, but I want to wallow in the familiar spaces. Some days I want to stop moving forward and just sink into despair and frustration. But no. I will continue to rise.
I feel myself being tugged gently forward out of darkness and into light. I am being beckoned out of unhealthy patterns and into deeper self-love and compassion. I am being led into a deeper and more whole part of myself.
Now, I read a lot of self-help books, listen to a lot of podcasts, and nerd out on information around personal development. Yet, so often after reading something, I still don’t know what practical steps I should take to move forward. What can I change? Where do I start? Who can I ask for help?
Therefore, so that this blog is not just another story with little practical guidance, I am posting a few links to helpful resources below. There are tons of resources out there, but these links can at least help you get started! Please let me know if you know of any other resources you want me to share or think I should have! Again, I love this stuff, and I hope this helps.
For Further Reading
If you or a loved one struggles with an addiction of any kind (and yes shopping, eating, sex, love, gambling, gaming, and more count!) here is a place to help find support groups in your area. I have recently started attending a support group of my own, and I cannot express how beyond thankful I am for the group of women it has brought into my life and the level of support I have received. While it is not an easy journey, it is so important for my own well-being. Some of these links also have resources for mental health support groups and other struggles beyond addiction. Check out what resonates with you!
Here are some more links for information specifically on mental health and support for those who may need it. Mental health is so important, and we often have a misconception of how mental health impacts people and the struggles they face every day. Do not be ashamed if you struggle, and do not judge someone else for their personal struggles. We each have our own journey to walk. I have been in therapy most all of my life and have struggled with anxiety and grappled with depression. You are not alone. You are not broken.
Also! Here are two of my favorite podcasts that offer a lot of insight on creating good healthy habits, loving yourself, finding your tribe of people, and just being the badass human that you are! I hope you find something that feeds your soul.
I will continue to share resources on my future blogs! Health is never an individual journey; We are all intricately connected. May 2020 be a year of holistic health and finding the healthiest version of yourself too! Let us journey together into tomorrow.
