I am scared; scared to make decisions for myself and scared of my full potential.
Up until now, I have always had some sort of umbrella I have lived, worked, and breathed under: My parents, school, even seasonal jobs come with strings attached.
I have never had to face the world without some sort of parameters set around me, and I realize that I am terrified and uncertain with what to do now that those parameters are gone. Who am I? Who do I actually want to be? How do I get where I want to go? What is holding me back?
It used to be that I knew what lay ahead; new classes, a thesis to write, graduation, Glacier National Park… I had some sort of goal set out in front of me I was striving to reach. Now… what is it I am striving towards?
Growing up I was engulfed in anxiety and fear; I couldn’t even shower by myself… It was only through my parents’ divorce, therapy, and growing up that I began to seek out adventure and fight back this inner demon that clenched at my gut and chest. It is a battle I am still fighting, and becoming an adult is challenging me in new ways. Now the decisions matter. The day to day counts. How am I going to live them? How is fear still dictating my reality?
These are the defining years of my life, and I want to do them right. I want to live for something bigger than myself, I want to stand with those that may not be able to stand for themselves, I want to make a difference. The question is, how?
First, I need to figure out how to stop being afraid and go for what I want, regardless of everyone else’s opinion or my own doubts and fears. That is easier said than done. Further, how do we find what it is we feel called to do? How do we know that we are headed in the right direction? These are not lessons taught in a classroom.
Any other 20-something year olds feel the same way? Any advice? How do we create the lives we have been seeking now that we are out in this crazy world on our own?
Much love and hope,
Emily
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