A Journey

I have not posted much of my poetry, because I am never sure it is good enough. Further, I like having a message I am trying to send, and with poetry, the message can be interpreted many different ways. That is intimidating. The past few weeks, however, I have been attending a writing class and my teacher has encouraged me to share what I am writing. Therefore, I will be posting more poetry on this blog; it is what I write when I need to express and think outside the bounds of my own mind. Here goes nothing.

This particular poem is based around the ideas of "Homeland," "Wonderland," and "Newfoundland." Homeland is the place you come from, where you were a child and your core beliefs and self were built. Wonderland is where these original ideas and perceptions were changed and challenged in some way (a new town, new or challenging beliefs, a sudden change in your reality, etc). Lastly, Newfoundland is where you find yourself on the other side of the change and where you are trying to merge the two worlds into your current reality. Here is my journey though these places.

A Journey

In homeland I hid and ran

Afraid of shadows and sudden movements

The darkness pressing in

Fight, flight, freeze

In wonderland I cried out and kicked and screamed

My body cracking and crumbling

Under the reality of it all

As the lifeblood pulsing inside of me

Boiled in the fire of shrieking voices

In Newfoundland the sun is beginning to peak over the horizon

Moist earth sprouts fresh life

Distant stars smile down on me

Spring rain cools my wounds

And the air, so long thick with smoke, is beginning to clear

I gaze out at the two hands attached to this body,

Contemplating their worth,

And I know that I have been given a duty

A task to complete

These hands have stories to share

People to hold

Love to give

These hands were built to help lead others

From fear of the dark

To joy of the ever promising light

Out of the Fog

It has been a while since I have had the time or, more honestly, the motivation to write on this blog. For about two months after moving back to Dallas, I was unemployed and seeking employment and passion in my life. The first two weeks of this freedom were wonderful! I had so much time to myself and felt like I was getting settled back in to a life here in Dallas, reconnecting with friends, and spending more time with my family. But, then it hit. After those first two weeks past, I fell into a mild depression and lethargic state of mind, as everyone around me had their routines, and I was struggling to fill a few hours every day; I didn't want to do anything and spent way too many hours watching bad Netflix movies and curled up in bed. Nobody talks about how frustrating and difficult it can be to find a job and keep motivated during the process, or maybe they did, and I just wasn't listening. Anyway, I had these grandiose plans to write a ton, read a ton, and get in shape during all my free time, but I fell a little short of my goals. Now, I am trying to get back on track! I have signed up for a Savage Race in September with one of my close friends and my cousin (if anyone wants to join us, comment or message me! The more the merrier.), joined ClassPass (a workout app that I highly recommend), joined a writing class, have been going to local Meetups, and have gotten an incredible job! Thank you to my friends and family who kept encouraging me and supporting me when I was feeling low.

I am writing this today because, so many times, especially with modern media, our lives look like we have everything together. On the outside, our lives can seem so perfect and beautiful, edited into the perfect photo or snapshot, when in reality it seems they are crumbling at our feet. Sometimes we fall short of our goals or do not meet our highest expectation. Sometimes we are lonely, or sad, or feel like we are left behind. Sometimes we have bad days, or weeks, or even years of our lives. That is OKAY. Things will come in their time. Life is a journey. The low points make the high points all that more special. We just have to keep trying and wake up each day with the intention to be our best self. I believe we all have greatness inside of us. Sometimes we have to walk through the fog in order to find the sun.

Yay, I'm an Adult! Now What...?

I am scared; scared to make decisions for myself and scared of my full potential.

Up until now, I have always had some sort of umbrella I have lived, worked, and breathed under: My parents, school, even seasonal jobs come with strings attached.

I have never had to face the world without some sort of parameters set around me, and I realize that I am terrified and uncertain with what to do now that those parameters are gone. Who am I? Who do I actually want to be? How do I get where I want to go? What is holding me back?

It used to be that I knew what lay ahead; new classes, a thesis to write, graduation, Glacier National Park… I had some sort of goal set out in front of me I was striving to reach. Now… what is it I am striving towards?

Growing up I was engulfed in anxiety and fear; I couldn’t even shower by myself… It was only through my parents’ divorce, therapy, and growing up that I began to seek out adventure and fight back this inner demon that clenched at my gut and chest. It is a battle I am still fighting, and becoming an adult is challenging me in new ways. Now the decisions matter. The day to day counts. How am I going to live them? How is fear still dictating my reality?

These are the defining years of my life, and I want to do them right. I want to live for something bigger than myself, I want to stand with those that may not be able to stand for themselves, I want to make a difference. The question is, how?

First, I need to figure out how to stop being afraid and go for what I want, regardless of everyone else’s opinion or my own doubts and fears. That is easier said than done. Further, how do we find what it is we feel called to do? How do we know that we are headed in the right direction? These are not lessons taught in a classroom.

Any other 20-something year olds feel the same way? Any advice? How do we create the lives we have been seeking now that we are out in this crazy world on our own?

Much love and hope,

Emily