What a Day Can Hold: Holding on to Faith Amidst the Rubble

There are no words. Yesterday we saw 17 more lives taken to senseless violence and rage. My thoughts and prayers are with each and every individual impacted by this tragedy; I cannot even begin to understand. I pledge to work every day to reach out to those around me, be kind, and fight to make a change in the small ways I am able. We cannot sit back and let these things happen any longer. We must be the voices against violence and believe that we can live in a better world than we live in today.

Yesterday was also a day to celebrate love, Ash Wednesday (the start of Lent in the Christian tradition), and my mother’s birthday. Oh, what one day can hold…

Lent is a time to reflect and change and Valentine’s Day is a day to remember and be grateful for the people you love… let’s remember all the people close to our hearts as well as be thankful for those strangers that we pass on the street. We never know what someone is going through, and after a tragedy like yesterday, we are reminded how fleeting our lives can be. We should make every moment count.

This season of Lent we should focus on giving up apathy, giving up hatred, giving up those small negative thoughts in our minds and loving more fully, more openly, and more honestly.

I am extremely grateful for a mother who has sacrificed so much for me. I am extremely grateful for the friend that I was blessed with at birth. She has taught me so much about what it means to be a strong, beautiful, loving, and dedicated woman. I hold her a little tighter today.

May every person know that they are loved. May every person mourning the loss of someone they love know they are not alone in this. I will fight to make tomorrow a little brighter and the future a little clearer. Despite what the world wants us to believe, I have faith in humanity. I have faith in us. I have faith in tomorrow. Let us stand amidst the rubble and have faith in each other as we rebuild. Let us stand together. United.

A Realization

Do you ever feel like you are not good enough? Do you ever feel like you have to constantly prove yourself and find validation in others?

I am guilty of these feelings.

It was not until someone special in my life came along and reminded me of my own worth that I began to realize how detrimental these thoughts and feelings are. Of course I am good enough, and so are you. We should never have to prove our worth to anyone; if they can't see it themselves, they do not deserve our attention (don't be mean, but do not actively pursue their approval). Sometimes it takes someone's kindness and friendship to hand us the mirror and say, "Look. You are beautiful." to remind us of our own worth. So thank you to the person who did that for me. You probably don't even realize what you did or how you did it, but it meant the world.

In the past two years I have had plenty of awful, weird, and just odd experiences with boys. I have been left with a few scars. The last relationship I got caught up in ended, because he desperately needed attention and validation from any girl that would give it to him... sadly, I realize I have the same fatal flaw. I want to be angry and blame him for how messed up it all made me feel. I was confused, frustrated and hurt when one minute it was all about us, and the next, he was treating the girl next to me like his girlfriend or being touchy with my best friend. Yet, it takes two to tango. I realize that I also seek approval from guys, and girls, for that matter. It is nice to feel special and loved. It is easy to let that desire take over and to forget that it is human hearts and minds at stake. It is not a game for your own pleasure. Sadly, with dating apps, it is so easy to open and close doors. It has become somewhat impersonal; if one doesn’t work out, keep swiping right until the next one does. Ironically, dating is one of the most personal things we do in this life. So while it would be easy to sum up the ending of that relationship to his insecurities and shortcomings, it would be unfair to not also admit my own. I have not always been the easiest person to date: I have a lot of emotions, I tend to get jealous, I do not always think before I speak, and in the past, I have not always been faithful. Long distance and my young heart did not go well together. This is something I have been ashamed to admit and address, because I thought people may feel differently about me, but it is part of my story, and I know it is something many couples and individuals face. Loving is difficult. It hurts. Sometimes you let people down; sometimes you let yourself down.

I am sorry to anyone I have ever hurt or misled in my own quest for approval. I am just beginning to realize how true it is that you must first love yourself before you can fully love someone else. Anyone reading this should know: You are worthy of all the love the world can muster and you should never have to prove your worth to anyone. You are a beautiful and precious and lovable just the way you are.

Well, Here Goes Nothing

The age of the internet: a fascinating and frustrating time to be alive. On the one hand, we have so much at our fingertips. I can answer any question I have, chat with friends who are miles away, swipe right on cute men, and stay connected with what is happening in the lives of those closest to me. Yet, somehow I never feel satisfied. What at times is a blessing is at other times a curse. I find that people are less curious about the unknown, I catch myself comparing my life to the picture-perfect version of others, I lose hours to a screen, I filter through gross men and not-so great forced dates, and I know unimportant information about people that I have never been very close to.

What are we doing here?

I have decided that my twenties are a time for personal discovery and growth; part of that journey will be to write about and document my experiences. Recently having moved back to the big city after living and working in a National Park and then a ski resort in a beautiful town in the middle of nowhere, I am noticing things I never noticed before and finding the adjustment to be strange. The internet and social media has been and will be a major part of my life. Now, I am going to use it as a platform to reexamine the world we live in and how we interact with it (and also to share this blog).

Being in your 20s is an awkward time; I could argue it is worse than Junior High. We are expected to be adults yet still treated like children in a lot of social situations. We are expected to be educated, find a job, have lots of friends, figure out dating, and make the most of being young while not doing anything too stupid. These tasks seem so simple… right? That is until you start trying to do them. Where do you start? What should your priorities be; the career, the boy, the girls, the promise of the weekend, achieving the highest education? It is a balancing act that takes time to figure out.

This is especially true in a big city. Where I was living before, there were four local hangouts. It was so easy to meet people and know you would see them again. The problem was that it was difficult to make a living, because most of the jobs were seasonal and/or didn’t pay much, forcing many college educated young adults to have multiple jobs. Further, if you had a bad romantic experience, you saw that person everywhere, and if you used online dating apps, you knew everyone that came across your screen. Some people are okay with those things, but I, personally, need more stability and a little more space for myself. In the city, the options are endless. This is great for the job hunt and the potential of finding a special someone, but, sadly, there is no guarantee the cute boy you saw on the dance floor will ever cross your path again or the girl you met out on Friday night will ever be able to grab coffee or brunch, and you will be forced to go through a lot of interviews before actually landing the dream job. Then, there is the fact that it is not socially acceptable to walk up to strangers at the bar and tell them you want to be friends, or to walk into a corporate office and tell them you want to be hired.

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind getting back into a rhythm among the traffic, lights, and buzz of the city. I have joined my church choir (which is amazing by the way), a soccer league, and started going to trivia at a local bar on Tuesdays. I have met lots of people and am working to keep tabs and doors open. I still find myself, all too often, going to a bar alone on a Friday night just to try to be slightly social and possibly meet a friendly face. Meeting people is not always the problem, but it is following through and actually seeing them more than once. One thing about living in a big city is that people have busy lives. The pace of life is much faster and more inflexible than in small towns and wide open places. I hope to bring some of what I learned these past 6 months living in small towns back to the city. I don’t want the rush of life to overtake. I don’t want to forget to slow down, take a day to read, go on a walk, or just sit alone with my thoughts; it is too easy to get swept away and not even notice life go by. These are supposed to be some of the best years, right? Well, we have to be intentional about making them that way.

This is the beginning of a new personal project.

If you are reading this, thanks! Just know that my life is not any more special than yours or the person next to you. I am just one of a bunch of 20-something year olds trying to find their way in this crazy world. May we all learn to have fun, live our lives to the fullest, and create the best version of ourselves!

Well, here goes nothing.