The Quest for Love

Being in your twenties is messy, and that is without the complication of romance. We are trying to find out who we are, what we want to be when we grow up, the realities of that dream, where we want to live, what our priorities will be, and how to feed ourselves and have clean clothes every day of the week; We are starting new jobs, making new friends, moving to new cities. And then you add in romance, love, sex, and dating to that mix!? Geez.

Things get complicated.

Sadly, these struggles are not limited to those of us in our twenties. I know many women (and men) who still struggle with these questions and are searching for their place in the world way outside the bounds of an age category. Most of the important women in my life have been divorced, and many of them are re-married. There is no "right" answer despite what the social narrative wants us to believe.

We are told: "fall in love in your twenties (ideally you meet in college) with someone who is within five years of your age (ideally under three), get married in a flashy ceremony, and have kids by 35."

While these notions are beginning to shift, they are still extremely powerful. They are narratives that produce shame; they lead many people to believe that they have somehow "failed" if they are outside of the norm... I want to question the norm. I want to come up with a new narrative that is focused on self love and romance with our own being. I want to let people know that there is no shame in being exactly where you are. We each bring unique life into the world and our existence is important and beautiful. The relationship we have with ourselves is the most important one.

What if instead of being told to fit into the norm above, we were taught:

"fall in love with yourself in your twenties (it is a life long process), meet as many people as you can and create stories together, get married if and when you want to, to whomever you want to, and love fiercely and honestly. You produce life by showing up and giving love to the world not just by creating offspring. Your life is yours to create and nourish. Do with it as you please."

While I am focused specifically on romance in this post, this view of the world applies to all aspects of our life. We do not have to have the perfect job or the perfect home to be enough. We do not have to make a certain amount of money to finally be valued. We are enough just as we are, exactly where we are. The quest for love starts deep within ourselves. While life is unavoidably messy, it doesn't have to be complicated.

Join The Dance

If anything, this past year has been a serious time of growth and learning. It is almost as if I am a different person in some deep foundational ways. While I love who I am becoming, I know I have fallen and will continue to fall short from perfection. I have not always been the greatest friend, the best student, a loving roommate, a kind daughter, or even a great friend to myself. Frustrated or ashamed of myself, I have found myself facing more walls than I can count wishing to fade away from the world for a while. But still, I stand and rise again.

I know that some of you reading this think, "duh... you're young. That is what this time is for..," and I know that life is a long process of growth. For me, however, this year has been pivotal. Each of us has a unique timeline and trajectory. For me, this past year has challenged and molded me in profound and beautiful ways that are difficult to capture in words. For others, their story and their timeline is theirs to share, and this past year carried its own weight and influence in their lives. We each grow and change at our own pace and in our own timing.

One thing that I find fascinating and am continuing to learn about is energy. It is both fleeting and eternal. It comes and goes from our experience, but it is never entirely gone; it simply becomes a part of something else. It is like a beautiful dance, weaving in and around all of us. What is mine today may be yours tomorrow. How beautiful. On my journey of self-discovery and growth, I am learning about what gives me energy and what sucks me dry. I am learning to tune into the energy that flows within and around me. It has quite a lot to teach me. I know it also has quite a lot to teach you. We are all made of unique and beautiful energy, just like we each have a unique and special story of growth. Tune in.

Sadly, I am coming to learn that many of us go through life with a list of "shoulds" and "should nots" or images of life that we desperately seek to make real. We are taught what it means to be "good" or "successful" people. We are taught to put others first and that to think of ourselves at all is selfish. We are told to do this and to do that and to avoid this and the other. We are told to blend in and be polite; we are taught to not create too many ripples. We are taught to carry shame and guilt about being too expressive, having raw or extreme emotion, or making mistakes. We are so often expected to be what others want or need without regard for our own realities.

While not all of these lessons may ring true in your own life, these are a few of the daunting lessons handed down to me over the years. My question is: isn't part of the beauty of life that we are not all the same? Therefore, shouldn't we each get to choose and create what our life looks like and define it for ourselves?

We give away so much of ourselves to the projections of the world without truly asking ourselves what it is that we want in a given moment. So, I ask you:

What is it that brings you life? What things "suck you dry"? What is it that feeds your life energy?

I challenge you to tune in. Follow where your energy is moving and begin to dance with that which is already pulsing in, around, and through each of us. Let me share with you some of this eternal goodness that never disappears but moves between all things in this beautiful artistic creation called life. You have a unique and beautiful vibration to add to the ensemble. Dance with me.

My People; My Voice

For most of my life I have struggled to find "my people." I have always felt out of step. I am typically bored or unsatisfied with what everyone else seems captivated by. I am generally excited by things others seem to overlook or find peculiar. At the age of nine I was asking deep theological questions about the love of God for all people and grappling with questions about sexuality; by age twelve I was flying alone every other weekend to visit my father in another state; by age sixteen I was eagerly switching high schools to attend a school on the campus of a community college where everyone else was being dragged kicking and screaming; by age twenty I graduated college with honors and moved across the country to work in a National Park. I turned twenty one in Sun Valley, Idaho... I am from Texas.

Now, I live in an intentional living community based on a neo-monastic way of life. I deal with issues of poverty, homelessness, mental health, personal boundaries, and some level of conflict every day. Further, even though I deeply struggle with the institution of the church and question the Christian faith daily, I am working on a Masters of Arts and Minstry at SMU Perkins. People assume that I know a lot more about Methodist doctrine, polity, and history than I do. My interests do not always line up with that of my peers who strive to be leaders of the church. For me, seminary and theology is not about the church or even evangelizing. It is about my own growth and understanding. It is about defining my own faith and my own perspective. It is about learning to appreciate other voices and find common ground with those who are different than me.

I want to learn how the church can be a tool for strength and growth of the individual and help stand up against injustices around the world. I want to learn how the church can profess hope, love, and peace to a broken world without condeming or seperating people into groups of "haves" and "have nots". The church should not be a place of division, but a place of unity. Moreover, I do not think the church is the only resposible entity. In fact, I think the church often does a lot more harm than good, but for me, it is a place to start. I do not believe you have to go to church or ascribe to any particular set of beliefs to be healthy, whole, or any more valuable of a human. Nobody knows what happens when we die. Anyone who shames you for your beliefs needs to challenge their own. I belive we are each responsible to own our own shit, love eachother, and continue to grow as human beings doing this thing called life. I believe we each have our own unique and beautiful stories to tell. What is yours? Who are your people? Where do you find strength to continue onward and do what you love?

Here are some of my go to voices.

I have loved to read my whole life, but it hasn't been until more recently than I am choosing to make it a major part of my life style and a daily habit. These are just a few of the many amazing authors that have inspired, encouraged, challenged, and walked with me along my journey. These are my people. I admire their courage, their vulnerability, their wisdom, and their words. I aspire to be like them and lean into my voice, my story, and my truths. We all have a unique place in this world, and we are right on track. Wherever you are, you are not out of step. You are carving out a beautiful path that is just right for you.

Who are some of your favorite authors? Where do you find your people?